i remind myself almost everyday not to but i still neglect my site anyway. i know the times i’m browsing google/yahoo news or on facebook or tumblr i could update a portion of this site and add the content i’ve been wanting to for the longest time but i always say it can wait… and like everything else i manage to push aside for another time, it gets left and forgotten in the dark and gets retrieved when the crap i turn to when i’m bored, becomes a bore in themselves. right now accounts for those times :) hello, misskristine.net.

since i’ve been on my death bed this past week, i said fuck it to school, missed the whole week, and got my damn rest. now i’m in an effort to salvage the time i spent sleeping and coughing my internal organs out of place to get this school business where it needs to be. i thought the workload would be towering over me by this time but i have effectively took control and dominated over that shit in last 24 hours. i’m having trouble understanding the lecture notes i mooched off of a classmate b/c everything is abbreviated and the sentences have no structure to me. everything is shortened to her own recognition. I have to refer to lab and textbook which is slowing me down a bit but i’m getting there nonetheless. I don’t care really, i’m just thankful i have an insight of the class lectures i didn’t attend. and that makes up for not having to go through pages and pages of texts guessing which information to take in. so high five to genial classmates!

We’re celebrating my nephew’s 2nd birthday which was on Feb. 24 but his parents were busy that weekend of, so it got moved to this weekend. which works out perfectly because i got to attend a friend’s going away party. He’s off to military boot camp next monday for the next 4 months. Anyway, i wish i was healed completely, i wanted to make a “cookie monster” cake made out of cupcakes for my darling nephew that i’ve been looking over the last 2 weeks but i don’t think anyone likes a shitload of germs on their food. i’ve got too much of that going around right now.

Maybe, i’ll post pictures of the party in the next week……………..OR SO. =) Have a wonderful, safe weekend!

*i just realized i don’t have my affie’s links on my sidebar or favorite sites. i’ll be working on that. sorry*

Today was the first day since school resumed that I have not opened my textbooks or look through my lecture notes. It felt good, to say the least, but in the back of my mind i was worried i would miss out on an opportunity to get ahead. With my health being of shit at the moment, i really could care less about being further than where i should be. I think it’s time i go at an appropriate pace and take it easy until after spring break. I haven’t been sleeping nor eating well because school awfully occupies my time, i forget to eat and fight sleep for the sake of learning and passing.

My throat has been failing me since yesterday. I woke up without a voice this morning. I don’t know if it has to do with the weather being so erratic as of late or if it’s just the air in this house being tainted. One of my brothers suffered through health decline 2 weeks ago and just this past weekend my other brother came down with something. Maybe it was just bound to catch up with me. Hopefully by tomorrow morning i’ll wake up a million times better than i did today. i hate feeling so feebly.

on top of all this mess, my monthly visitor decided today would be the best to come for its weekly stay. sigh* patience….

I’m the kind of person that would rather choose to uphold pain mostly from consequences due to a lack of healthy body conditioning/maintenance, rather than going about it with some kind of solution. e.g. pain killers. Currently, it’s the fear of getting my wisdom teeth yanked out from the back of my mouth that’s beating my tolerance to the minimum. Advil is the only thing helping me cope right now.
Its been 5 years since this torment started and i thought i could sustain through another year (like the past 4 years) but it seems like every year means twice the pain from the last. And sure, i tell myself i’m getting this stubborn little shit pulled out but as soon as the suffering departs, i tell myself it wasn’t even that bad. Come around a year later, i wish i would have just gone through the procedure of getting it removed the previous year this shit was occurring. But i guess i’m just as stubborn of a little shit. I can’t stop thinking about the relief i’d recover to after surgery but even that won’t win my pansy ass. I know i need to get this done though. it’s slowly growing into the very back of my jaw, causing inflammation to my gum. So anything I do pertaining to my that side of my mouth is annoyingly agonizing.

maybe i should just stop bitching about it and actually do something about it. but i have yet to grow some steel balls.

Sometimes i like how i lose track of the days. This week I woke up tuesday thinking it was monday, thursday i woke up thinking it was friday, and as i write this i keep thinking i have saturday lab today but it’s friday. it’s either i’m ahead or i’m behind, i’m never in accordance to the current. truth is, i find this to be exciting than it being stressful. afterall, i choose to create these crazy mazes with my eyes closed, position a few wrong-exits and hidden bombs through the passages and tell myself “it’s in your hands to remember where each is appropriately located.” i hate when others test me but i enjoy testing myself, ya’know? to sadly admit though, more times then never, i find myself running straight into these self-created cavities. and when i get stuck, i like to linger in them for awhile. take in the hideous view (eventually realizing this is NOT where i aim to be), shrug it off, strategically climb out and find myself well on my way again. for whatever reason or miracle, i always make it out of those mazes with more success than i intended to come out with. and it’s only now that figured out why…..

i have to lose sometimes. it’s my biggest motivation. whether it be my sanity and self i’m losing or my self-proclaimed battles i’m losing to… point being i have to lose to be pushed. it’s what keeps me planted. it drives me beyond (what i know of) my capabilities towards my winnings. and sometimes that drive gets a little out of hand. sleeping never really did solve anything for me. you stay a loser when you sleep. haha

furthermore, my father looked at me last night and let out a big blow of outlandish noises as in remarks to how skinny and little i am. and in those few seconds that i looked in his eyes as to reply “really now? you just noticed?,” i saw worry and a strange stare i couldn’t assign meaning to. i wish i would have said out loud to him that i feel well. i am well. just to reassure him that i’m fully aware i look frail but mentally blooming. with the 2-4 hours of sleep i get before i pluck my braincells out to use as bookmarks to a 800-hundred page textbook that even my arms can’t bear to carry but my head can, I AM WELL. and i’ll have you know, i’m very much happy.

when people worry about me, i want to tell them please, don’t because you worrying leads me to worry. and that’s unhealthy.

i’m ok. i’ll be ok. i’ve always been ok.

“you need to learn to forgive without being bitter.” – mother tess

i wish i had as big a heart like you, mama. i guess i’ll work on it.